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Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken: Escape from a Clean Shave

November 9, 2016
snaaaaaaaaake

Feels weird to be  back on the old BeardsandBooze blog after a long hiatus (I haven’t done a beard post since 2013 and haven’t done a full month since 2011!). But with the stress that the last 24 hours has put on our country I figured the least I could do is give my friends, family, acquaintances, and maybe even a few strangers a couple minutes to take a deep breath and remind them that November of 2016 isn’t just about the Presidential Election and the results, it’s also about not shaving that wonderful patch of body grass that grows on your face. So whether you’re a Republican, Democrat, Libertarian or one of those other weird parties that doesn’t matter, take a second to relax,and relish the fact that no matter who runs this country of ours, beards will always be there to comfort us.

I tried to pick someone who is universally loved, unfortunately I’ve alredy used Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers never had a beard. So since my 1 and 2 are both off the table I decided to switch up my thought process. Who is the greatest hero this country has seen? Easy Answer: Snake Plissken. If you haven’t seen the movie Escape From New York do yourself a goddamn favor, stop reading this and go watch it, I’ll wait…

Aaaaand you’re back. Pretty sweet right? If you’re in the mood for a far cheesier and downright comically bad  sequel to that movie, go watch Escape from L.A, for which I won’t wait on you. Snake Pilssken is the definition of an American hero and to give you a quick summary of the man his Wikipedia page states that he ” is a former U.S. Army Lieutenant, serving under Special Forces Unit Black Light stated by Hauk in Escape from New York, with two Purple Hearts, and the youngest soldier to be decorated by the U.S. President for bravery during campaigns in Leningrad and Siberia in World War III against the Former Soviet Alliances and Eurasian United War Union”. Snake is also trained in seven different styles of martial arts (Karate, Taekwondo, Shaolin Kung-Fu, Kenpo, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Krav maga and Jeet Kune Do) ,that seven different ways to clean your fuckin clock. No one wants to get their monkey ass whooped, let alone whopped seven different ways by a guy with an eye patch and beard that make him look tougher than steel. (Fun fact Snake from the Metal Gear Solid series is “heavily-influenced” from Snake Plissken. I use quotes because he’s pretty much a complete rip off but Konami won’t admit it because they don’t want to be sued).

If you haven’t seen escape from New York (like I suggested earlier) here’s a quick run down. In a post-apocalypticish future where crime rates have risen 400% the US Government turns Manhattan into a giant “free-for-all” style maximum security prison. Air Force One flies over and subsequently crashes into Manhattan leaving the President stranded and only one man fit for the job of retrieving him: Snake Plissken. I think it’s safe to say that the country might be split on whether we should save or rescue our new President elect if the same scenario played out today. But that’s not what this is about. This is about a man. A man with a beard. A a big, beefy, brazen bro with a beard to bring down the bad guys. If you look up valor in the dictoinary, Snake Plissken’s beard would be there looking through your eyes and down into your soul with a scorn that will cause the most courageous of men to turn their tail and run. The best thing about Plissken’s beard isn’t how courageous it is, it’s that it doesn’t even know it’s courageous. All this beard know is being a badass and not taking shit from anyone, for this beard saving the President from a post-apocalyptic, maximum security prison over run by the worst criminals in the world is just another goddamn day. It also comes off as so unassuming, I mean the fact that it’s so short and barely past stubble doesn’t even play into a factor of how great this beard is. Some beards need to be long and burly to merit their beardness but for Snake it’s his character that makes the beard. It doesn’t need to be long and in your face, and the fact that it can still stick out while being short speaks volumes for this beard.

Snake, your beard’s unparalleled badassness and let’s face it when paired with that eye patch, is second to none,  has earned you a a spot as a beard of the day, and for that, we salute you!heroes_vs_villains_-_snake_plissken

Chris Hemswoth: The Beard of Valhalla

November 1, 2013

Hello all and happy No Shave November! After not being able to complete the whole month last year I really look forward to giving you all some excellent beards this year and for the first time were going to try some mustaches this year as well! That’s right! Not every one follows this month as No Shave November many also celebrate it as Movember so as a sign of goodwill and support for all kinds of facial hair every Monday will be Mustache Monday in honor of Movember! So without further ado, let’s get on with the beards.

Let’s start No Shave November out strong! And it doesn’t really get much stronger than Thor the God of Thunder (or at least the actor who plays him). This Australian beauty exemplifies the baby beard and does so with style and grace. The baby beard, for those of you who don’t know, is a beard worn by a younger man; it is grown short and close to the face but still longer than a 5 o’clock shadow. This beard is one of the most attractive in Tinseltown and the ladies love it. Each hair on Hemsworth’s beard has the ability to make at least 150 panties drop within a 1 mile radius of his face. But although this beard is not one of girth and size it is most certainly one of strength and shows a great area for growth and opportunity. In his role as Thor we see Hemsworth as a young naive warrior, and a bit overconfident at times. These personality traits also mirrored perfectly with his beard. His beard is small and young with much room to grow. And just as he want ready to take over responsibilities as ruler of Valhalla from his father, nor was he ready to take on the responsibility of his fathers great beard with his baby beard. The greatness in Chris Hemsworth’s beard is its opportunity for growth. His beard remind me of a young Jeff Bridges. He is a hot young prospect in the beard world and I expect to see great things from this beard in the future. So Chris Hemsworth you’re unparalleled attractiveness as a male sporting a baby beard and your ability to portray one of the best beards in mythological history has earned you a a spot as a beard of the day, and for that, we salute you!

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Shea Weber: The Beard That Could Be

November 9, 2012

HAPPY NO SHAVE NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!

Today we salute the Nashville Predators captain and star defenseman, Shea Weber. He is a fine and shining example of the playoff beard. Unfortunately for Weber he’s been stuck in Trashville playing for the Sexual Predators for his whole career and they’ve never made it far enough into the playoffs to unleash this beard’s potential. I’ll admit they’ve gotten much better in recent years but Weber’s beard really hasn’t been given it’s fair chance, but then again neither has their franchise. They play a cold weather sport in a town full of a bunch of toothless hillbillies who throw catfish on the ice to show their support in lieu of actually knowing what the hell is going on or how hockey is even played and their team is owned by a empty-headed country singer from Oklahoma who probably doesn’t know what an ice-cube is let alone an ice rink. Weber’s beard, much like the Predator’s franchise, is just a glimpse of what could be. Hell I bet if this guy ever made it game 7 of the Stanley cup finals he would look like a member of ZZ Top. His beard would look so glorious that win or lose they would firmly place Lord Stanley Cup right in his beard like a child sitting in a bean bag chair. Weber is a big bad dude playing for a dark horse team rocking a dark horse beard. I hope for his sake the Preds can get their shit together so we can see what this beard is really made of. For now Weber’s beard lays dormant in the shadows of the playoff beard world, but someday his beard shall have it’s comeuppance and finally show us what truly can be, and for that, we salute you.

?uestlove: The Beat Droppin Beard

November 9, 2012

HAPPY NO SHAVE NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!!

Today we salute musician ?uestlove. Quest rocks that old school funk beard. His kicks beats on a drum set like you ain’t never heard, and it all starts from the hair in his buuuurd. The beauty of this beard starts all the way on the top of his head with one of the most recognizable afro’s in the music industry today. The seamless connection from ‘fro to beard really brings it out. The beard itself is scraggly at best but the afro accentuates it so well that you can’t help but be impressed with this man’s ability to grow out hair on his face and head. The “Cherry on top” is the afro pick, which he could just as easily put in his beard. Just like his name, ?uestlove’s beard brings a lot of mystery to the game, and begs the question, “what’s going on in that jaw ‘fro of his”? I could easily see ?uestlove breaking a drum stick while kickin a funky jam and without skipping a beat pulling a drumstick out of his beard as if it was nothing but natural to him. ?uestlove and his band The Roots are currently the in-house band on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon which is really unfortunate when you compare the talent of The Roots (or even ?uestlove alone) to that no talent SNL ruining hack Jimmy Fallon. But alas, we shall all live on in admiration of the glory that is Quest’s beard. ?uestlove’s musicianship definitely brings him to the forfront of the music community but his beard brings him to forefront of no shave November and for that, we salute you.

Ulysses S. Grant: The First Presidential Beard

November 6, 2012

HAPPY NO SHAVE NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!

And happy election day as well. I’m sure we’ve figured out by now that Barack Obama has been re-elected to a second term. I’m also sure that you’re all sick of hearing about this election, so lets a take a moment to look back in our nations history and honor the first FULL beard elected into office. Yes I’m aware that Lincoln was before Grant, and that Lincoln had a beard. But Lincoln’s beard, a great  and unique beard at that, was not a full beard, it was a chinstrap.  It took the general who won the Civil war to finally bring the full beard to the white house. A thin but distinguished beard. It showed great authority and commanded respect on the battlefield and in the office. Truly a great beard for a great man, trite and true the beard represents the Red, White and Blue. Today candidates and expected to keep a clean-shaven and clean-cut look to appear slick and professional and it pains me to say that our president can’t even grow a beard (see for yourself here http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/12/04/obama-i-cant-grow-facial_n_148545.html). I hope beards somehow make a comeback in the political world but until then lets give reverence to he first of four beards that would make it into the oval office. Ulysses S. Grant was the first full beard into the white house and for that, we salute you.

Jason Bateman: The Bluth Beard

November 5, 2012

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HAPPY NO SHAVE NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!

Today we salute the beard of actor Jason Bateman.  Bateman is a great actor with an interesting acting record and a beard that we just don’t get to see enough. Bateman’s first sign of a beard showed up in the horrendous sequel “Teen Wolf Too”. The movie is completely unwatchable but we see Bateman in a full body beard, although fake, still interesting to see at such a young age. Today every once n a while Jason busts out the beard and my goodness it’s great. The Bateman beard falls into the category of “hot homeless guy”. He looks like he just woke up from an underpass, yet women still find him irresistibly sexy, I just don’t get it, but good for him. Bateman is not really known as a mover or shaker in the beard world as he almost always appears clean shaven on camera, but I don’t think any of us would be opposed to seeing him rocking the facial fortress more often. We can be almost certain that when Arrested Development comes out next year Bateman won’t be wearing a beard… but a man can dream. Although he doesn’t wear it often Bateman still wears the beard well and for that, we salute you.

Dan Auerbach: The Black Keys Beard

November 5, 2012

HAPPY NO SHAVE NOVEMBER!!!!

Today we honor the beard of The Black Keys’ frontman Dan Auerbach. Danny boy was born in Akron, Ohio (tough break) of a Celtic Mother and A Jewish Father; beards are in his blood. Auerbach’s band, The Black Keys, is a  straight up blues rock band and you can see their style in his beard. Auerbach’s beard is rough, ragged and shows the passion and determination of an artist, just like the blues. I fell as though each strand of his beard hair has a story to tell about how much hard work and effort goes into this musicians struggles. His beard is a true artists beard and is portrayed as such. I admire and respect the sheer length of the beard as well as its thickness and true color. Dan Auerbach can rock the hell out of an arena as well as a beard and for that, we salute you.