Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken: Escape from a Clean Shave
Feels weird to be back on the old BeardsandBooze blog after a long hiatus (I haven’t done a beard post since 2013 and haven’t done a full month since 2011!). But with the stress that the last 24 hours has put on our country I figured the least I could do is give my friends, family, acquaintances, and maybe even a few strangers a couple minutes to take a deep breath and remind them that November of 2016 isn’t just about the Presidential Election and the results, it’s also about not shaving that wonderful patch of body grass that grows on your face. So whether you’re a Republican, Democrat, Libertarian or one of those other weird parties that doesn’t matter, take a second to relax,and relish the fact that no matter who runs this country of ours, beards will always be there to comfort us.
I tried to pick someone who is universally loved, unfortunately I’ve alredy used Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers never had a beard. So since my 1 and 2 are both off the table I decided to switch up my thought process. Who is the greatest hero this country has seen? Easy Answer: Snake Plissken. If you haven’t seen the movie Escape From New York do yourself a goddamn favor, stop reading this and go watch it, I’ll wait…
Aaaaand you’re back. Pretty sweet right? If you’re in the mood for a far cheesier and downright comically bad sequel to that movie, go watch Escape from L.A, for which I won’t wait on you. Snake Pilssken is the definition of an American hero and to give you a quick summary of the man his Wikipedia page states that he ” is a former U.S. Army Lieutenant, serving under Special Forces Unit Black Light stated by Hauk in Escape from New York, with two Purple Hearts, and the youngest soldier to be decorated by the U.S. President for bravery during campaigns in Leningrad and Siberia in World War III against the Former Soviet Alliances and Eurasian United War Union”. Snake is also trained in seven different styles of martial arts (Karate, Taekwondo, Shaolin Kung-Fu, Kenpo, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Krav maga and Jeet Kune Do) ,that seven different ways to clean your fuckin clock. No one wants to get their monkey ass whooped, let alone whopped seven different ways by a guy with an eye patch and beard that make him look tougher than steel. (Fun fact Snake from the Metal Gear Solid series is “heavily-influenced” from Snake Plissken. I use quotes because he’s pretty much a complete rip off but Konami won’t admit it because they don’t want to be sued).
If you haven’t seen escape from New York (like I suggested earlier) here’s a quick run down. In a post-apocalypticish future where crime rates have risen 400% the US Government turns Manhattan into a giant “free-for-all” style maximum security prison. Air Force One flies over and subsequently crashes into Manhattan leaving the President stranded and only one man fit for the job of retrieving him: Snake Plissken. I think it’s safe to say that the country might be split on whether we should save or rescue our new President elect if the same scenario played out today. But that’s not what this is about. This is about a man. A man with a beard. A a big, beefy, brazen bro with a beard to bring down the bad guys. If you look up valor in the dictoinary, Snake Plissken’s beard would be there looking through your eyes and down into your soul with a scorn that will cause the most courageous of men to turn their tail and run. The best thing about Plissken’s beard isn’t how courageous it is, it’s that it doesn’t even know it’s courageous. All this beard know is being a badass and not taking shit from anyone, for this beard saving the President from a post-apocalyptic, maximum security prison over run by the worst criminals in the world is just another goddamn day. It also comes off as so unassuming, I mean the fact that it’s so short and barely past stubble doesn’t even play into a factor of how great this beard is. Some beards need to be long and burly to merit their beardness but for Snake it’s his character that makes the beard. It doesn’t need to be long and in your face, and the fact that it can still stick out while being short speaks volumes for this beard.
Snake, your beard’s unparalleled badassness and let’s face it when paired with that eye patch, is second to none, has earned you a a spot as a beard of the day, and for that, we salute you!