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Each NHL Team’s Biggest Character: Chicago Blackhawks, Patrick Kane

February 7, 2012

Wow, where do you start when talking about what a character Patrick Kane is? I’m going to try to set this up in the same format as the others: his character on-ice and his character off-ice. But Paddy Kane has more than enough to talk about so please forgive me if I get off topic or begin rambling too much.

Before I begin let me get address the Elephant in the room. As I’m sure most of you know, I am a die-hard Red Wings fan and will be until the day I die. My hatred for the Chicago Blackhawks organization runs deep in my veins and beats strongly in my heart. But,  for the sake of this post I will remain unbiased and put our differences aside to pay tribute to the one-man show that is Patrick Kane.

For Kaner’s on-ice character I will yet again have to break it into two sub-categories: statistic/performance and on-ice antics. So lets talk Patrick Kane, the right-winger and one of the best players in the NHL today. Believe it or not, Patrick Kane is already in his fourth year in the NHL, and he has been dazzling the masses since the day he arrived in the Windy City. Kane was drafted first overall in the 2007 NHL Entry Draft. So coming in he had high expectations, and he hasn’t let the Chicago faithful down, not even for a second. Kane won the Calder Trophy as the league’s top rookie in 2008 and has yet to have a season where he stand under the 70 point mark. At the age of 23 he is already an Olympian, a three-time NHL all-star, and a Stanley Cup winner. Kane (with the help of others, especially Toews) helped change the face of the Chicago Blackhawks from an old, beaten-down franchise (e.g. Theo Fleury, Nikolai Khabibulin, Marty Lapointe, etc…), to a new, youthful and energized NHL powerhouse. Now lets talk Patrick Kane the showman. It is incredible to watch this kid fly down the ice. He moves with such style and grace it’ll often make you cry. In the first 2 or so years of his career a lot of criticism came his way for being  too “flashy” and not passing the puck enough. To them I say, Buzz off. He can skate, stick handle and snipe with the best of them, hell, BETTER than the best of them. He has such precision with the puck in every aspect of his offensive game that it’s like he controls it with his mind. He is simply an amazing player to watch. He’s one of the only players who manages to successfully intertwine his incredible skill, with his outgoing personality to make a character on the ice that you can’t help but cheer for. Need an example of his skill meeting his personality on the ice? Every time I throw on a Blackhawks game it seems like Kane has metaphorically put a scope on his twig and zipped another screaming mimi past some poor goaltender who looks more ashamed than a puppy who pissed on the floor, ready to receive a swift rolled-up newspaper beating. Then without fail Kane’s exuberant personality lead him down on one knee with left hand extended forward and in one great swoop his right hand “wipes the ice” as he takes and shred of dignity that goaltender has left and throws it in the meat grinder, never to remain in tact again (e.g. Roberto Luongo). And mind if you happen to be a goaltender playing at the United Center all of this is followed by a jubilant round of “Chelsea Dagger” sung by 20,000 relentless Blackhawks fans, all but too eager to chase you the fuck out of that net and back to whatever lesser city (in their opinion) you came from. Need another? Ok, then look no further than his “Superman” goal at the All-Star skills competition this year.  The best thing about this is that ironically it shows you that he’s not superman, he’s just another 20-something year old, just trying to goof around and have a good time. He’s not too uptight to try to have the best move ever, he just wants to please the fans. Although most other 23 year olds probably can’t display moves like he can…. His playoff mullet raised some eyebrows in a comedic manner and he’s obviously not afraid to laugh at himself. I’m really excited to see what this guy will bring to the ice in years to come.

Ok you’ve heard of Patrick Kane on the ice: an extremely talented, determined and athletic young go-getter making his way to the top of the NHL. Patrick Kane off the ice, complete 180. But hey, that’s what gets him on this list! If there is anything that we have learned about Patrick Kane off the ice it is this: He loves to party. I think the only guy who parties more than Kane is Andrew WK.  Kaner wasted no time upon his arrival in to the NHL and adult, professional world to show us how much he loves to party. Throughout his short career more than a few photos have leaked showing his “party till  you puke” lifestyle. If you haven’t seen this gem by now, I’d love to share it with you.

Holy Lord, look at the personalities on those girls. This was taken after the Hawks won the Stanley Cup in 2010 the Hawks were practically dying to show us how they celebrated. In this photo we see a shirtless, intoxicated Kane partying in a limo with what appear to be a horse on his left and the most mediocre looking girl on his right. You’ve just won a Stanley cup, and you’re choosing to get down with two community college dropouts/ handjob aficionados? More power to you! Instead of shaking up with any woman he wanted within 300 miles of the Chicagoland area like every other athlete in the history of mankind. He found the first two floosies standing outside the Wells Fargo Center in Philly and took them home for the party of their lives. Hell who knows, maybe they’re on their way to the Prom either way… this is hysterical.

Kane has shown us time and time again that the period he takes most importantly in a hockey game is the 4th period, also known as the booze period. And what better way to show everyone that, than sucking down a bottle of Don P at the victory parade on live television.

Can you think of any better way to show people that you are truly a champion? I can’t

Although there are more thing I could address I don’t want to eat up too much space, so I’ll leave you with his cab incident. If you haven’t heard it, it’s a doozie. In the summer of 2009 Patrick Kane and his cousin were arrested in Buffalo at 5:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Kane was charged with second-degree robbery, fourth-degree criminal mischief, and theft of services. But the real comedy lies within what he did to receive these charges. Kane was taking a cab ride home after God knows what debauchery he was up to, and the final charge was $14.80, to which Kane gave the cab driver $15.00. I think it is safe to say most people probably wouldn’t hound a cab driver over 20 cents, I feel most people would have said, “keep the change” and be on their drunken way. But if I haven’t made this abundantly clear in this post, Patrick Kane isn’t most people. Kane asked for his change back and when the cabby said he didn’t have any change Kane promptly jo-jacked that son of a gun right in the face. He was trying to send a message, I make 2.6million dollars year and I deserve every dime of it! How dare that cab driver cheat Kane out of his hard-earned pocket change. When on trial Kane claimed that he was just simply “at the wrong place, at the wrong time”. Don’t worry Pat I got your back, it was that damned cabby who was at the wrong place at the wrong time! You don’t get in the way of the Kane train, you deliver the dimes and say thank you for letting me drive you around otherwise you’re getting knuckle sandwich right upside your face.

On and off the ice, Patrick Kane impresses the hell out of me. He has more character than a Hollywood movie premier and the skills to back-up his “general jackassery” . He snipes and booze more than an alcoholic Green Beret and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Character, thy name is Patrick “20 Cent” Kane.

*Some of you might have noticed that I skipped the Carolina Hurricanes. That’s because well… they don’t really have any big characters that stick out. I’ll get back to them later and probably end up doing a post on Cam Ward for lack of anyone better, but for now if any one has any suggestions for who to do on the Hurricanes, let me know who and why. To be honest, the Hurricanes are a seldom mentioned team, with a lot of young players that really haven’t popped onto the scene yet, so to any Hurricanes fans that might read this, I’m sorry and I’ll get back to them later in the month.

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