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Slam Dunk’n Hoes

February 1, 2012

Ok, so I know that this falls out of line with anything I’ve ever done, but I just can’t resist. I saw this album cover and I need to share it with as many people as possible because it’s just too damned funny.

My roommates were at trivia on Monday at a bar on Marquette University’s campus (Caffrey’s for those who know it) and one of the questions was to distinguish whether this album cover was real or not. They said no, but it is in fact real. This album cover is comedic gold, and if you don’t mind I’m going to try to break it down.

I’ll start by answering a question you might be wondering. Yes, I did look up the album and listen to it. And yes, it is atrocious. I’m shocked that this is a real album (both because of how bad the music was and because of this album cover) and at the same time not, because i would guess that the ratio of unbearable shit that is produced  to presentable music that is produced  is about 5000/1. But I digress.

Problem 1: address the whacko color scheme of this album art. The fact that it was created under a green lens isn’t what I consider whacko, but what I DO consider whacko are the implications that green tint makes. The green tint of everything paired with the dollar signs surrounding his name imply that this man makes a lot of money, and god dammit I refuse to believe that. If this jerk-off is loaded then I’m going to load up a double barrel shotgun and blow my head off. This man’s ablum cover, nay, his album cover and his music, NAY, HIS CAREER, EVERYTHING INVOLVED WITH IT, AND THE WAY HE PURSUES SUCCESS IS A JOKE. whew, glad I got that off my chest.

Probem 2: Hey Top Dog, your skillful use of microsoft paint isn’t impressing anyone. Nothing in this makes sense. It appears that Top Dog has copy pasted a not-to-scale basketball hoop into a picture of a city skyline. And if it wasn’t obvious enough that it was copy pasted just by looking at it, then look closer. It’s a transparent backboard, but what you see behind the backboard is blue skies and power lines which aren’t in the background surrounding the backboard. Then he copy pasted a poor young lady going into the fore mentioned hoop, then copy pasted himself in a ridiculous green suit, mean-muggin’ the camera and “Slam Dunk’n” this poor woman into the hoop. This horrid combo of not-to-scale items with a botch copy paste job ruins any semblance of proper perspective because the hoop is facing one way and Top Dog and the “Ho” are tilted a different way. Without proper perspective it really damn hard to tell if he’s supposed to be standing on the ground “Slam Dunk’n” this “Ho” on a 5-foot hoop or if he’s supposed to be jumping and “Slam Duk’n” this “Ho” on a regulation size hoop. So Top Dog do us all a favor and take a class in graphic design and try again.

Problem 3: Unless this album was made for a group of friends with a bunch of inside nicknames, there is really no need to mention any of the clowns on the album cover, including Top Dog. No one has ever heard of any these guys, and no one will ever know of these guys in a way or quantity that will impact their careers. So they probably would’ve been better writing, “Top Dog: Slam Dunk’n Hoes. Featuring: who gives a flying fuck”.

Last Problem: I think this is the worst form of objectification of women I have ever seen because in this case the object is a fucking basketball. I don’t think I really think  have to explain the problems with Slam Dunk’n a Ho through a basketball hoop. But ultimately this is what really makes the album art so damned funny.

It’s really funny how all in all, the effort in creating an album name and cover that would fall in to some category of a social norm, was thrown completely out the window. It’s just such a juvenile concept that you can’t help but laugh. This is like what a pissed off 5th grader would think about doing to his bitch of a Social Studies teacher  to teach her a lesson. Which is pretty appropriate because from the looks of the album Top Dog didn’t make it much past the 5th grade.

One Comment leave one →
  1. jumpingpolarbear permalink
    February 2, 2012 12:10 am

    Make Kobe dunk Vanessa.

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