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Worst Beers Ever: #1 Zamkowe Dark

January 30, 2012

Here it is your number one beer, and man this one is a doozie. Zamkowe Dark is comes straight to you from Namysłów, Poland. And like most other things from Poland, it has very little to nothing to offer the world. There is literally no better way to describe this beer than the worst beer ever. Maybe it tasted so bad because I was (relative to now) a novice beer drinker, maybe it was a bad batch, but all I know is that this is worse than worst nightmares. I would rather contract an STD than have another Zamkowe Dark.

My buddies at Saint Mary’s found it at a local grocery store called Hyvee and if my memory serves me correctly i cost them about $10 for a case of tallboys, and I can promise you that they were ripped off. There are just too many terrible qualities about this beer for it not to be first on my list. 1) the can it came in had barely any english on it and the only english it did have just said “684 years” which raises further questions. 684 years of what? is that how old the town is? how old the brewery is? how old the recipe is? how old that fucking batch was? is that how long it takes to accumulate your tastes buds to it? is that how long a can of that rocket fuel would last after a nuclear apocalypse? Just tell us dammit! 2) The can was designed in such a way that it makes you think you’re about to ingest something awful, like the blood of the innocent or rat poison. It had very creepy lettering and just an all around unappealing look, it was about one step away from having a warning label on it. 3) The texture of the beer. Yes that’s right, the texture. I would argue that most beers are straight liquid. Not Zamkowe Dark, it was both liquid and solid because it had chunks in it. Noww I’ve checked my facts and chunks or “floaties” aren’t always a bad thing. Good chunks are  actually bits of protein that are harmless and disintegrate once they hit your tongue, so essentially you never know they were there. The other kind are chunks that form because the recipes are outdated (they lack proper pasteurization) and the beer sits for too long, giving it chunks. Zamkowe definitely was a culprit of the latter. Nothing like drinking a beer with chunks that feel like rat shit floating around in it. and 4) THE TASTE, MY GOD THE TASTE. Safe to say that none of the beers on here were close to good, but this is the only one that I will never have again under any circumstance. It literally tasted like coffee mixed with grain alcohol, mixed with strawberry syrup, mixed with stale urine and the BLOOD FROM SATAN HIMSELF. It is absolutely unfathomable how bad this tastes. This what they should be feeding to Jerry Sandusky every day until he decides it’s a better idea to hang himself in his prison cell (trust me it won’t take long). I can still remember that taste and it makes me sick to my stomach. Once you pop the tab the smell invades you nostrils like the Germans into Poland, and makes you sick to your stomach. Do not ask me why I drank it, just know that I could possibly be my biggest regret in life. Zamkowe Dark had more kick than a shot of rail whiskey washed down with the remnants of a rung out bar rag and tasted about 100x worse. I really dot know what else to say. I know I’ve been beating a dead horse here but this beer is really, truly awful. If you feel like you truly don’t understand how bad this beer is maybe a picture can speak 1,000 words. Check out the picture I posted of me drinking it below.

 

Well thanks for following this list and help me choose what to do next! I’ve narrowed it down to either a list of the top flows in the NHL or the top 10 novelty players in the NHL.

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