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Worst Beers Ever: #3 Gluek Honey Bock

December 15, 2011

So now we’re into the thick of it, the top three!  I gotta say, it was really tough ordering these final three beers. Without further adieu, coming in at number three is Gluek Honey Bock. Here’s another real effin dandy I managed to slam into my gut while at Saint Mary’s University of Minnesota. Unlike my last beer (Beer 30) I’m sure a lot of you haven’t heard of this . Count. your. blessings. Gluek Honey Bock is made of pure evil. It’s so bad that after drinking a Gluek Honey Bock I felt like I had kill an innocent man, and yet I kept drinking. By the time I finished the case I felt like I had committed a genocide; the victims? My taste buds, stomach, liver, digestive and urinary tracks. I had successfully killed most of my body and what was left of me despised what I had become. My body went into self-hate my mode and I slept for about a week straight. I could barely move, I wouldn’t eat, it was just horrible. There really isn’t much keeping this out of the number 1 spot, just the facts that numbers 1 and 2 have been etched into my mind eternally as the end-all be-all of horrible brews.

I think Gluek Honey Bock deserves some examining, don’t you? The name in itself is quite intriguing, I mean it sounds more appealing than Beer 30, Baltika 9 or most of the other beers that have been on this list. Don’t let that fool you though, it’s pure, unadulterated shit. But the name does leave one interesting question, what is a bock? I had to do some research but I’ve found that a bock is a style of beer (as opposed to a weird word they just threw in the title of beer to spice up the name). It’s a bit of a rarity today as it’s not brewed very often. The bock style of beer originated in Germany during medieval time, some say as a strong beer to drink during Lenten fasts, and yet others say as a pagan that was only to be brewed during the sign of the zodiac Capricorn goat, which is why most bock beers have a goat in their logo. Essentially, the bock beer was made as a sign of better signs to come and that winter fading out and spring was on the way. Ok, well somewhere between medieval Germany and modern day Minnesota (Gluek Honey Bock is brewed in Cold Springs, Minnesota) something got serious fucked up. This beer is no way shape or form could ever, by any stretch of the imagination symbolize better times on the way or the arrival of spring. If anything Gluek Honey Bock represents the coming of the next Ice Age where we all freeze to death and die alone or a Zombie Apocalypse where the world is filled with exploding volcanos and rivers of death filled with molten lava where all the dead rise up and eat or torsos and brains until there is nothing left on this god forsaken planet except the bringer of all evil: Gluek Honey Bock (which the Zombies won’t even drink because it’s too gross). Am I making myself clear? This stuff sucks. As mentioned earlier, the bock is a beer that is rarely brewed today, and my word did Gluek ever ruin any chance I ever had of liking a bock beer.

So what exactly does it taste like? Ok, imagine you get the flu and your just puking your guts out into a trash can and then accidentally forget to change the liner and don’t use it for a few weeks, you just leave it sitting out. Then 4 weeks later you’re cleaning out your fridge and you see an old really gross, soggy, moldy container of Chinese food that’s been in there for years, you throw it in the same trash can. Then the next day you dump some old nasty expired cans of tuna in that trash can. And then on top of that, you keep using that trash can liner and throw the rest of your garbage in there until it fills up and you have to take it out. You take the liner out and throw it away and then you come back and notice something. You know that really nasty garbage juice at the bottom of your trash can, that has all the combined stank and grossness of everything you’ve put into the trash. Yeah, throw that in a can and mark it Gluek Honey Bock. It seriously is one of the most disgusting things ever. Also i’d like to add I don’t get the honey part, I tasted no honey in this. At all. Unless that honey was rubbed on an infected gunshot wound before put into the cans, then I think I might have tasted a hint of “honey”.

But alas there is a ray of light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel of dispair. GLUEK HONEY BOCK IS NOW LONGER BREWED!!!! Praise be to whatever God or being it is that you praise, because we are all truly blessed that this no longer curses our earth. Unfortunately for me I still managed to slurp down a case of this garbage juice before they took it off the shelves, man do I suck. Like I said earlier, it was really hard deciding the placement for these last three beers , but dammit there is no shame in having  Gluek Honey Bock at #3 on my list… oh wait, yes there is. 

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