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Worst Beers Ever: #4 Beer 30

December 13, 2011

You know we’re really getting into the thick of it when this pretty little number known as Beer 30 comes up. Oh my, where to start and where to begin with Beer 30, how about some background on my experience with it. Beer 30 is yet another beer I discovered during my year at St. Mary’s University of Minnesota. It was introduced to me by a friend of mine, Andy Stupka, at the time it was all Stubby drank and I quickly followed in suit. I drank it for about that whole year at SMU and then it became just a memory when it came onto the shelves and back into my life here at Kampus Foods of Marquette University’s campus. Sadly, as truly awful as this beer is, I still drink it today. I would actually credit my tolerance to drinking shit beers to Beer 30. Like I said it was all I really drank freshman year (which was when I first started consuming adult beverages for pleasure) so it was really all I knew. Since I started with shit, I’ve always used it as my base for taste, which is really just terrible for me. When I have a shitty beer, I can always just say , “eh, I’ve had worse” (unless it happens to be beers 1-3 on this list). It truly is one of the worst beers in existence and it was my beer of choice for my whole first year of drinking. I was raised on shit, so now all I know is shit. It’s like being from Cleveland an being a Browns fan; your team has never been good and you become complacent with that, if they ever got good you’d enjoy the hell out of it, but wouldn’t really be that devastated when they returned to shit. And when other people complain about their team sucking, you just say “Hey, I’m a Browns fan” and they usually shut up. Likewise, my taste buds are used to drinking shitty beer, so when I get a nice beer it’s awesome, but I accept it when I go back to shitty. And when people tell me that their Keystone Light is warm or this Heineken tastes a little funky I say, “want a Beer 30?” because that usually gets them to stop whining. Ok, that’s enough reminiscing for one post, what say we tear into this motherfucker?

BEER 30 FUCKING SUCKS. When I’m on my deathbed at the age of 37 due to a completely corroded liver, with my last breath I will curse the manufacturers or Beer 30 to the deepest rung of hell with traitors. Because they have not committed treachery  on just one single person or even a group of people, they have committed treachery on all of mankind for releasing this beast unto unknowing, innocent people. Holy Moses this beer will really ruin your day, just one sip and you just want to re-live every moment of your life that led up to you even coming in contact with Beer 30. A lot of people say that it tastes like grape, and I have to say I’m not completely sold on that. I think that it’s unique purple can confuses people into thinking that it has a grape flavor. There are a plethora of things that I could say its taste rivals, but the most appropriate  would be this: Beer 30 tastes like it was brewed as any other commodity beer would have beer been (i.e. a Natural Light, Keystone Light etc…) but then once it’s done they take this select brew and dump it into a bathtub. And into that bathtub steps the dirtiest, hairiest,  fattest homeless man you’ve ever seen. He hasn’t showered in days and is greasier than a can of crisco. He bathes in the Beer 30 for about 30-45 minutes before it is put into cans and sent to your liquor store. So I propose to you that what you taste isn’t a grape flavor, but in fact the greasy ball sweat of an dirty ole’ bum. But hey, the grape thing does sound a bit more sanitary, so you believe what you want. You might ask why I think that anyone ( or any company)would do that to anyone else? Well as I mentioned earlier they are traitors to mankind, but more importantly do you think that a company that names their product Beer 30 cares at all what goes into that can as long as there is booze in it? I would have to answer no.

This brings me to my next point, the name of the beer, Beer 30. How dogshit lazy was the marketing and development team that came up with the name for this beer? They had to have done absolutely no research to find out if people would take to the name Beer 30. I swear every time I introduce this to a new person, with a bewildering look on their face they ask, “Is that really called Beer 30? Why would they name it that?” I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. They put the name of the product in the name of their brand, fucking idiots. I would have loved to look in on the meeting that took place when they chose the name Beer 30. I’m sure it was along the lines of, “well it’s beer…..uh……and we’re selling it in a 30 rack……fuck it just call it Beer 30. You know why because FUCK the customer!” Also I’d like to run some visual tests on the can/case. Why would you select purple? Beer and purple don’t go well together, it gives people the idea that it’s flavored or tampered with. Even worse is the tag line, “Anytime is the right time” like some cheap knock off of “It’s Miller Time”. I like to meet the degenerate alcoholic who made that tagline, I’m sure he was the kind of guy that wasn’t afraid to crack a few Beer 30s before during and after  a long days work in the unemployment line, trying to figure out what liquor stores accept food stamps. I could go on forever but I’m really going to have to stop myself before writing this takes up my entire day. I could rant about the atrocity that is Beer 30 for days. One last thing I will leave you with is this, take a look at the picture below, does that look like the kind of beer that makes people even make semi-rational decisions? I would say from experience, no. But you be the judge. Also to any of my family members reading this, I apologize.

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