Worst Beers Ever: #5 Baltika 9
Lets all give The Liquor Barn located in Niles, IL a round of applause for yet another beer on this list I have found because of them. The Ironic thing about Baltika 9 and American Light being from The Liquor Barn is that they come from opposite ends of the world. It’s like some sort of United Nations of beer at The Liquor Barn, they specialize in bringing in beers from all over the world. I’ve bought beers from Russia, the US, Lithuania, Singapore, India, Germanym Mexico and Serbia to name a few, from The Liquor Barn. But that’s quite enough and probably more than you wanted to hear about the liquor store I go to when I’m home for breaks.
So here we are halfway through the list and we’ve struck pure golden garbage straight from Mother Russia with Baltika #9. It’s described as a “strong lager” and you’d agree upon the first drop you taste. This is a dark beer that kicks like a malt liquor. It doesn’t go down easy, and I swear to God it fights you at every step of the way until it’si the toilet, (Or the Al McGuire Loading Dock loading dock for those of you who get that joke). The nice thing about this beer is that it does come with many warning signs unlike most beers on this list, which just give off an impression of a cheap palatable beer, but end up being so much worse. I’ll run through these warning signs quickly for safety’s sake, 1) 1 bottle of Baltika 9 costs .99¢, and no that is not my idea of a joke, it really costs .99¢ for one beer. 2) Not only does it cost .99¢ but the bottle is 51 oz., which means that its 4.25 normal beers and I’ll tell you now that no one needs that much Baltika 9, EVER. 3) Not only is this bottle .99¢ and 51 ounces but it’s also made out of plastic, the only time you are ever sold plastic bottles is because you will be getting too drunk to be trusted with glass (i.e. concerts, sporting events). Which leads me to believe that they had some sort of trial run with glass bottles and one too many comrades ended up in the intensive care wing at St. Petersburg Hospital with brain hemorrhaging due to glass shards of Baltika 9 in their head because Vlad, Dimitri and Boris got in an scuffle over who went first in Russian Roulette that night. Guess what, there’s still more warning signs, 4) THE ENTIRE BOTTLE IS IN RUSSIAN. So unless you speak Russian, you don’t even know what you’re drinking, it could be Russian river water, rung out bar rags or a factory worker’s piss, and you wouldn’t know because it tastes like all three of the alternatives mentioned. 5) If you haven’t put this back on the shelf at this point and assaulted the store manager for carrying such a danger to society, just know that the one thing you can read on the bottle is that it’s 8% alcohol. This isn’t always a bad thing, dark beers tend to have higher alcohol content and can still taste damn good, but when it costs .99¢, ABORT MISSION. I’d rather you combine beers 6-10 on this list and drink that than endure the hardships of Baltika 9. And yet, in the midst of all these warning signs, I still made the mistake of getting Baltika. Please forgive me my readers, I am a weak man.
Baltika 9 is an enigma wrapped in a riddle. I’d like my readers to take a look at their website http://www.baltikabeer.com/, it is truly hysterical and pathetic. 3 problem I spot immediately, first, The music. What the fuck is going on here, am I at a roller disco? Why in the hell is there disco music playing, I know Russia is a little behind the US but, they’re not in the 70s . Next, the loading screen, what am I on fucking dial-up? Get your frozen heads out of your asses and lose the loading screen, your website is too simple and shitty to require a % loaded image before it opens. Lastly, the island theme, ok Baltika you’re marketing team is fooling no one. For different beers like Corona, it makes sense, it’s from a warm place with beaches and the flavor of the beer fits perfectly in a warm island climate. With Baltika you know immediately when you taste its dark, thick, disgusting flavor that it came from one of the saddest, coldest places on the planet and no amount of island images you try to associate with it can change that. Listen, you can advertise it like that all you want, but once people taste your beer, their first thought isn’t going to be, “wow, I feel like I’m on an island without a care in the world!”, it will be more like, “FUCK, do I have enough rubels to buy my family a loaf of bread for dinner tonight? I knew I shouldn’t have spent my paycheck getting drunk off Baltika 9 in an abandoned shack with Victor.” The funny thing is that I bet Russians don’t even want to drink this shit, so they shipped here and sold it to my sorry ass. Russians would rather drown their sorrows in a bottle of vodka, its tasteless, odorless and translucent and while it might taste bad, at least the taste goes away and it doesn’t give you mud butt. You have to brush your teeth at least 20 times to get this garbage taste out of your mouth, and the diarrhea sticks with you for days. Yes, Baltka is truly a bad beer, but I hate to say it only get worse from here, and thats why Baltika 9 takes number 5 on my list.