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Worst Beers Ever: #5 Baltika 9

December 12, 2011

Lets all give The Liquor Barn located in Niles, IL a round of applause for yet another beer on this list I have found because of them. The Ironic thing about Baltika 9 and American Light being from The Liquor Barn is that they come from opposite ends of the world. It’s like some sort of United Nations of beer at The Liquor Barn, they specialize in bringing in beers from all over the world. I’ve bought beers from Russia, the US, Lithuania, Singapore, India, Germanym Mexico and Serbia to name a few, from The Liquor Barn. But that’s quite enough and probably more than you wanted to hear about the liquor store I go to when I’m home for breaks.

So here we are halfway through the list and we’ve struck pure golden garbage straight from Mother Russia with Baltika #9. It’s described as a “strong lager” and you’d agree upon the first drop you taste. This is a dark beer that kicks like a malt liquor. It doesn’t go down easy, and I swear to God it fights you at every step of the way until it’si the toilet, (Or the Al McGuire Loading Dock loading dock for those of you who get that joke). The nice thing about this beer is that it does come with many warning signs unlike most beers on this list, which just give off an impression of a cheap palatable beer, but end up being so much worse. I’ll run through these warning signs quickly for safety’s sake, 1) 1 bottle of Baltika 9 costs .99¢, and no that is not my idea of a joke, it really costs .99¢ for one beer. 2) Not only does it cost .99¢ but the bottle is 51 oz., which means that its 4.25 normal beers and I’ll tell you now that no one needs that much Baltika 9, EVER. 3) Not only is this bottle .99¢ and 51 ounces but it’s also made out of plastic, the only time you are ever sold plastic bottles is because you will be getting too drunk to be trusted with glass (i.e. concerts, sporting events). Which leads me to believe that they had some sort of trial run with glass bottles and one too many comrades ended up in the intensive care wing at St. Petersburg Hospital with brain hemorrhaging due to glass shards of Baltika 9 in their head because Vlad, Dimitri and Boris got in an scuffle over who went first in Russian Roulette that night. Guess what, there’s still more warning signs, 4) THE ENTIRE BOTTLE IS IN RUSSIAN. So unless you speak Russian, you don’t even know what you’re drinking, it could be Russian river water, rung out bar rags or a factory worker’s piss, and you wouldn’t know because it tastes like all three of the alternatives mentioned. 5) If you haven’t put this back on the shelf at this point and assaulted the store manager for carrying such a danger to society, just know that the one thing you can read on the bottle is that it’s 8% alcohol. This isn’t always a bad thing, dark beers tend to have higher alcohol content and can still taste damn good, but when it costs .99¢, ABORT MISSION. I’d rather you combine beers 6-10 on this list and drink that than endure the hardships of Baltika 9.  And yet, in the midst of all these warning signs, I still made the mistake of getting Baltika. Please forgive me my readers, I am a weak man.

Baltika 9 is an enigma wrapped in a riddle. I’d like my readers to take a look at their website, it is truly hysterical and pathetic. 3 problem I spot immediately, first, The music. What the fuck is going on here, am I at a roller disco? Why in the hell is there disco music playing, I know Russia is a little behind the US but, they’re not in the 70s . Next, the loading screen, what am I on fucking dial-up? Get your frozen heads out of your asses and lose the loading screen, your website is too simple and shitty to require a % loaded image before it opens. Lastly, the island theme, ok Baltika you’re marketing team is fooling no one. For different beers like Corona, it makes sense, it’s from a warm place with beaches and the flavor of the beer fits perfectly in a warm island climate. With Baltika you know immediately when you taste its dark, thick, disgusting flavor that it came from one of the saddest, coldest places on the planet and no amount of island images you try to associate with it can change that. Listen, you can advertise it like that all you want, but once people taste your beer, their first thought isn’t going to be, “wow, I feel like I’m on an island without a care in the world!”, it will be more like, “FUCK, do I have enough rubels to buy my family a loaf of bread for dinner tonight? I knew I shouldn’t have spent my paycheck getting drunk off Baltika 9 in an abandoned shack with Victor.” The funny thing is that I bet Russians don’t even want to drink this shit, so they shipped here and sold it to my sorry ass. Russians would rather drown their sorrows in a bottle of vodka, its tasteless, odorless and translucent  and while it might taste bad, at least the taste goes away and it doesn’t give you mud butt. You have to brush your teeth at least 20 times to get this garbage taste out of your mouth, and the diarrhea sticks with you for days. Yes, Baltka is truly a bad beer, but I hate to say it only get worse from here, and thats why Baltika 9 takes number 5 on my list.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Steve permalink
    April 4, 2012 11:53 am

    Did you actually drink this beer or do you just pick obscure beers that the majority of your readers will most likely never try and make snarky comments about them to get people to read you blogs?

    I agree that this is quite a strong beer and is likely to knock you on your ass, but it has layers of complexities that make it a beer worth trying. The hop character is light but has a citrus quality that is reminiscent of Amarillo hops is used by many home brewers in the making of IPA’s, and while the color and light palate make it obvious that this is a lager no matter how strong it is, the mouth feel is more like an ale, and unlike the average lager (even ones that are generally considered good) it is actually worth drinking warm enough to taste the complexities.

    In short, I respectfully disagree with your assessment. Maybe you should spend some time writing about the bland flavorless pisswater that the big 3 (Budweiser, Miller and Coors) try to passoff as beer.

    • April 4, 2012 3:36 pm

      To start, yes I actually have tried this beer. I’m just a college student in his early 20s trying to write some short posts to give people a chuckle. I’m not trying to get anyone specifically to read my blog, and in my “about me” section I mention how I write for personal pleasure.

      I never claimed to be a beer expert nor was I trying to give in depth analysis or anything that could be considered a legitimate beer review. These are merely extremely lighthearted reviews mainly focused on using metaphors to explain the terrible experience I’ve had with each beer. And who wants to write about the big 3? It’s no fun trying to explain the banality of a beer that everyone has tried and already knows is awful. As for your in depth analysis of Baltika 9, it seemed very well constructed and thought out, but personally I believe that any beer bought in a 51oz. plastic bottle for .99¢ is a sure sign of cheap ingredients, little craftsmanship and an all around effort to create a cheap beer that will yield profit from a market segment that values price over taste. For these reasons I really do feel it is an awful beer.

      In short, I’m sorry you disagree with my post, but that is the beauty of the blog, I can freely express my feelings and opinions no matter who likes them. And if nothing else thank you for reading!

  2. Amy B permalink
    May 16, 2013 8:49 pm

    Do they serve it @ Amy’s Bakery Company in Scottsdale, AZ ?

    Never seen it.

  3. doc permalink
    July 20, 2013 11:14 pm

    Just tried this beer today. Not the 51 oz…bit the pint size glass bottle. You can immediately taste sweet honey…goes down very very smooth. Not sure what you got…but from your pics it looks like you got some knock off Baltika 9.

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