Worst Beers Ever: #10 Boxer Lager
Here we are, November is over and those of you who actually read this flaming piece of garbage are wondering, “No Shave November is over. What the hell are you going to write about now, asshole?” Well the blogs called Beards and Booze isn’t it? So I guess the next logical thing for me to write about is booze. But I’m not going to do a write up of the world’s finest Scotches, or what lovely wine to drink at your next diner party. No, I would much rather indulge you all with the top ten absolute worst beers I have ever had. And when I say bad I don’t mean like Keystone Light or Milwaukee’s Best or any of those other cheap watered down, mainstream commodity beers. I’m talking about beer whose brewers had to have gone out of their way to make their beer taste especially shitty. So here it goes, I hope you enjoy.
Starting off our list is the one and only Boxer Lager. This a lager made by Minhas Brewery in Monroe, Wisconsin. I would like to start off by saying that this will not be Minhas’ only contribution on this list and if some whackadoo ever decided to strap a bomb to his chest and blow the Minhas brewery to Timbuktu, well, I’d probably make a statue to commemorate his bravery and the great service he did the world. The Minhas brewery pumps out some of the shittiest beer I have ever has the displeasure of forcing down my suckhole (I use such unappealing terms because it only makes sense when referring to such an unappealing beverage) and Boxer Lager is no exception. When this product hit the shelves last year, I was gung-ho about buying it. $11.99 for a 36 pack! Who has ever heard of such a deal (or for that matter, a 36 pack of beer) in their life?! Believe you me, there’s a good goddamn reason it’s so much for so little. The first few times I bought it I thought it tasted bad, but I could stomach it and figured that I could acquire a taste for it. I was wrong. The more you drink Boxer Lager the more you begin to despise it. After a month or two I wanted to throw up every time I saw one. And the problem was that everyone seemed to have their phase of it at a different time. I jumped on and drank it right when it came out, but it took some people a while longer to try this intriguing can of shit. So, every time I went out for about a year, someone was without a doubt drinking Boxer. And I would always ask, “Why in God’s name are you drinking that?” to which I usually got a reply along the lines of, “You get 36 for $11.99, I had to give it a try! It’s not THAT bad!” and I always thought to myself, just you wait you naive bastards, you’ll be ready to stab someone in the jaw which a screwdriver if you get offered a Boxer Lager in about 2 months because it is that bad. Also, the 36 pack seems like an awesome idea, you can just buy one case for an entire weekend and maybe still havea a few left over, right? Wrong. By about beer 12 you’re fuckin giving these things away, and the problem even bigger than you not wanting them, is that no one else wants them. You eventually give up and buy something else, and now you’re stuck looking at a fridge with a fridge filled 2-some odd cans of Boxer that NOBODY WANTS. It’s tagline is “Beer of Champions”, which I agree with under the assumption that their idea of a champion is a wife-beating alcoholic whose rage increases every they sip of their beer because they are realizing via that beer just how shitty their life is and that they’ve thrown it all away, just as the brewery that makes their beer has given away all hope of making something palatable. If that is their idea of a champion, someone who is to dead on the inside and drunk to realize that they’re drinking, then yes Boxer is most certainly the beer of them. All in all Boxer is a shitty beer, but the amount of it is what makes it truly awful and undrinkable. Not just how much you get in a 36 pack, but how many stores sell, and how many people are bamboozled into buying it thinking they’re getting deal, when all their getting is beers to fill their fridge with that no one wants. So please Minhas, ENOUGH IS ENOUGHT! Boxer is with out a doubt one of the worst beers I’ve ever had, and deserves the #10 spot to start this list.